I cannot open my eyes. I squeeze them hard and they still will not open. It feels like there is soap in my eyes or is that just the pain of yesterday.
I can feel the sheet on the bed has twisted. Bunched up like a ball by my head is the blanket. I struggle and fight, kicking, getting the sheet off of me. I slump my way into the bathroom.
I know the mirror is right there even though I cannot see it. Blurry, I make out a face. I nearly choked. That cannot be me? Had I been pushed down a staircase impacting with rotational force my face on each step?
I stand there holding on to the bathroom counter shaking all over. I remember the last time i had wept so hard, coming home from the hospital…without a baby.
The doctor said I was high-risk and not to dare get pregnant again and be happy with an only child. Nick always said it doesn’t matter because it will ALWAYS be the the three of us…that fucker.
I get up. I open the blinds. The sun is so bright it hurts! I head back to the bed and lay down. The Hot Tub!!
That is what I need right now! I head downstairs, thought a moment about coffee, and relized I was too cold to wast time on that.
I go pass the family room and into the laundry room and then into the mudroom. We use a small tile shower to rinse off in and out of the hot tub.
I grab my bathing suit hanging off the glass door. I slip it on and go through the French doors to the outside.
The hot tub sits at the end of the wrap-around deck. I am quick to get in as it is even colder outside. I slid into the water and feel the heat at once break my frozen body. I sink all the way to the bottom.
I need to talk to someone. Not my daughter. How would I tell my serious college student my life is falling apart? No, no it is too soon.
And Cecelia my best friend I am too embarrassed to tell her right now. She had never married and I think sometimes my very long marriage annoys her. I do not know. It is THAT feeling I get sometimes.
I need to talk to someone who has more to say than, “Sorry you are dealing with a cheating jerk of a husband .” I need someone who would know what to do and how to handle this mess.
I get out of the tub. Turn off the jets. We just got this tub install in December, only three months ago. I am still holding on the Tub lid.
An emptiness inside made me realized this last year we had bought three expensive things: The hot tub, refrigerator and a lawn tractor had died.
Yes, they were needed the fridge was 18 years old! When I saw a new refrigerator, my mouth fell open in disbelief. They have lights inside?
Even worse, we had bought a warranty on that old fridge and paid on it for the first five years. Never going to repurchase a warranty ever again!
Nick rarely used it. Did he buy a new one for me or the band groupie? Frowning and cold, I slammed the lid down. Stripped and in the shower, rinsing out my bathing suit, I quickly hurried when out of the blue I realize I need to call Eric.
With a towel around me, I head to the study. I sit at the desk and start dialing on the landline.
“Hello.” “Eric, it’s me. Please do not call Nick about all of this. I need him to come home and we need to have a conversation.” A long pause.
“Eric?” I say, as I stand up.
“I already called him.” “What!?” “I was so pissed off I called Nick first thing this morning. ” “Oh, shit Eric. No!” “Yes, he knows. HE knows…WE KNOW.” ” I crumple onto the hardwood floor too weak to stand up. “Jillie!” “Yeah,” I say between my teeth.
“Nick wanted to know first off if you know.”
“Eric, start from the beginnig. What did you say to him?”
“Well, I said, “I know what you are doing.” Nick ignored what I said and said he was going paragliding. He had to go and I said, “No way Nick what are you doing? I need to meet with you?” He told me that I was a little shit and that he had a gun and I better stay away. Me and Stormy are in love and Stormy is dumping you.”
‘WAIT! Eric. Did you say he has a gun? No way. Gun? A GUN. He never hd a gun. He has a hunting rifle, and that is here at the house. We have never had a gun.”
“Well, you know Nick said to me, Jillie, he is not coming home. That he is living with her and her EX-husband, all three of them in his house. And the ex-husband has a lot of guns.”
‘The three of them together in the same house. Where? Jillie asked.”
“It is a dumpy split level in a shitty part of Abbott.”
“You said she does drugs, not just drinking and smoking pot.” Eric answered with “Well, probably some coke or meth.” “I’m sorry, Jillie what you guys had he must have a brain tumor. I feel so guilty.”
Standing up I scream into the phone. “I wish you had not called Nick. Now he is not even coming home. I’m so angry with you, Eric. I can’t deal with you anymore.” I slam the phone down.
I feel angry. I feel disqusted. Hurt, helpless, lost and I do not know if I have hate or afraid for Nick. For all, I know the basement is a meth lab the three of them hand out to
With trembling hands, I open the desk drawer and start with the A’s. I thumb down the address book. I have no time to waste.
I will be there tomorrow.